I battled some detrimental emotions recently. The desire for revenge, to say hurtful words and inflict emotional pain, to somehow say “fuck you” with my actions, was ever-present, disrupting my sleep, work, physical training… my life. My heart rate was elevated. My eyes hurt. My head throbbed. I was so angry.

To be honest, managing the impulse to be and do evil was a more difficult task than I would have anticipated. I am fortunate to have little to no experience with this kind of situation, especially in recent years. My tribe is small, dispersed through towns, states, and even countries, but it is strong and loyal and trust-worthy. By design, there is no drama. I seldom get angry.

It would have been easy to start a fire. To ignore my own words of caution and just go for it.

Make a scene.

Cause a clash.

Cut some ties.

It was the path of least resistance, and all the negative energy I was accumulating was looking for a way to transform in the outside world. It was that, or lose my damn mind.

Like a biblical revelation, it then came to me. It’s been a long time since I’ve been alone with my thoughts on the gentle slopes of the Blue Ridge, or anywhere else for that matter. My body yearns doing work in the mountains, huffing and puffing from a steep incline, feel the burn on my legs, the scrambling through rocks. My mind misses being disconnected from e-mails, schoolwork, project deadlines, word counts, it misses being synced to the whistling whisper of the wind or the light thumping sound of my boots hitting the ground with each hurried step. I need to reconnect with rocky high points and sunset views.

I couldn’t make it to the peaks of Appalachia this weekend, but I did transform my negative energy by thinking and planning for them. I booked many of this year’s adventures: Colorado, New Hampshire, Palma de Mallorca, and some of this year’s races, which all involve rugged trails and rocky uphills. Just the thought of mountains and the reliving of certain memories forced me to let go. I can’t wait to make it back to them, but for now, dreaming will do.

Mountains are my place for healing and growing. The mountains make me want to be better, go faster, climb higher, reach farther. They gift me perspective. They are the birthplace of this blog and my quest for “difficult pursuits”. They are that special space I feel most comfortable with myself, body and thoughts, and although it may sound selfish, I love the mountains best when they are mine, and mine alone.

Life and its busyness, its unexpected twists and turns, can take a toll on our emotional well-being. None of us are exempt from being hurt or feel overwhelmed at some point in life. Knowing that you can count on a place or a person to let go and recover can feel like finding an oasis in the desert. It’s knowing of the coming of heavy rains after your well has run dry.

Have you found your mountains?